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Yeah even in completely mutual open relationships this is typically what happens.
And it doesn’t help that I’m bad at talking to women. My girlfriend ended up setting me up with more people than I found myself.
When we opened up our marriage I wasn’t as interested in meeting new people as she was. So she did her thing and I listened to the stories she told of her dates and also the stupid dudes that messaged her
That actually got me interested as well so I created an account on the same site without a picture and without telling her. So the first thing I did was message her, pretending to be some unknown dude. I got her hooked with just one short message. Felt good to know that I could still rizz her.
Of course I knew that all in all she would be more “successfull”. But we both had our ups and downs, had fun, broke hearts, got our hearts broken. Eventually she stopped dating and I kept going until I couldn’t go on.
In the end, I have slept with more women after marrying than before. Met many interesting people and learned a lot of stuff about myself.
But the most important thing about an open relationship is that it is open in communication. In that way we were open even before we started dating other people. And I think that is why it worked.
Sheesh I am sad so many of you had such terrible experiences with open relationships and/or polyamory. Maybe it’s cause I am not hetero or a dude but this has been the most wholesome time of my life.
I’ve had the exact opposite, two separate girlfriends who pushed me into an open relationship.
Though after that same thing, zero luck for myself, plenty for them, then they eventually stopped sleeping with me at all and eventually broke up with me for the new guys.
Bro should have tried Grindr.
Dude is an idiot. Should’ve just find other couples who wants to swap.
There’s an episode of South Park like this where Randy and his wife go on Only Fans. She’s making a ton of money within a month, he is obliviously not.
My wife and I actually met because of this kind of thing. Not only that, but the relationship I was in before meeting her ended because my partner at the time decided that she wanted an open relationship exactly long enough to get involved with one of my friends and then leave me for him.
Her late spouse did the whole forced poly/open relationship crap and I was one of the people they started talking to. It’s actually seeing how her ex treated me that let her finally realize she was in an abusive marriage and put her foot down and leave. We’ve been together 10 years now, married for almost 8.
That’s kind of awesome.
I’ve been poly for almost 5-6 years now and I do better than most, but nowhere near as well as women.
I have some women friends who see several men a night.
I did well in my 20s with hookups but also I was a touring musician, comedian and actor who lived in major cities, a rakish waif and, at least at the time, I was kinda cute if I do say so myself.
Married for 8 years now and although I am confident I have a lot to bring to a relationship should something unthinkable happen to my marriage but I am under no illusion that I would not do nearly as well in my mid 40s with a stable regular job, 20 extra lbs and an inch less hairline.
I’m mid 40s and have a stable job. Hair is full but a bit heavier since my 20s.
What I’ve learned is that most women that I end up dating are usually looking for consistency and not being an asshole. Having a decent personality helps as well.
I’m in competition with a lot of conservative men. If I can’t win against them, I should look inward.
It’s like that retort when people ask why being a slut is viewed negatively while being a stud isn’t, it’s easy to be a slut, it’s not easy to be a stud.
It’s also easy to be a stud, you just need lower standards lol
“years of pleading” for an open relationship is kind of a flag. Maybe not a red one, but certainly a warning of some sort.
Also, not to repeat myself, but I think a lot of guys are kind of bad at dating and dating apps. There’s a lot of self sabotage and then blaming external forces. A message of “hey” isn’t going to win any prizes, and yet that’s all some people can muster.
Idk i think asking to open up the relationship is always a mistake, you should just break up instead. Open relationships work but they have to be that way from the outset. At least ive seen about a dozen relationships open up and every single one ended badly. I know three successful open couples and they were all like that from the beginning.
This has been my experience as well. The default mode of monogamous relationships has a lot of bad habits and anti-patterns, too.
There was a good blog post I read a while ago I can’t find now (it was a title like “the missing step”, but most blog posts with that title are about toxic people in communities that are ignored like a missing step on a staircase you avoid without fixing). It essentially argued that when people are monogamous, they tend to slide towards a sort of all-access codependence, where you just kind of assume your partner is there all for you the time. When such a couple tries to open up, and your partner suddenly has plans without you, people don’t know what to do. You always used to just do stuff together, and now your partner is out somewhere with Alex? Fuck Alex! Who do they think they are??
It’s pretty bad, but happens frequently.
The post’s advice was to make plans with your current partner, before you “open up”. Even if you never open up. Make plans together, but also explicitly and intentionally keep time for yourself. Even if you don’t actually do anything, take a day a week that’s just yours to do what you want. Go out of the house. You don’t have to tell them any details. Maybe you’ll go for a hike. Maybe you’ll go bowling. Doesn’t matter. It’s your time. Personal. Private.
Once you both get used to that, where the other person is just off doing stuff without you sometimes, it’s much easier to slot “they went on a date” into that space.
Yeah and that’s healthy for permanent monogamous relationships too. It’s just hard i think everyone gets cheated on st some point in your teens or twenties so people develop fear of partner having free time, but yeah eventually in like 30s plus relationships you get more security like we’re not all put there trying to discover our sexuality anymore
Having to plead with your partner for years about something you consider to be quite important to the relationship (like opening it to other people) is weird in general.
If you’re having to harangue them like that, it seems like a sign that the two of you might not be compatible with each other.
While I don’t disagree, many of the women I’ve seen on dating apps have about as much personality as a cardboard box, yet still get tons of matches. It’s just annoying having to be super funny and interesting and etc to get any attention at all, compared to the other person actually just existing and saying “hey.”
Getting loads of matches isn’t necessarily a boon. I’ve had quite a few times where it turns out that a person I’ve matched with actually doesn’t find me attractive at all, but they were just liking profiles en masse to maximise their chance of getting likes.
Although, I prefer the people who are honest about the fact they consider me ugly than the ones who consider me unattractive but go on a date with me anyway, because I’m better than nothing. I once even ended up finding out that a dude was 0% attracted to me after we had been on a few dates and I had ended up at his place; he was unable to maintain an erection, and this led to him confessing that he wasn’t physically into me at all, but that I was the best option available.
I’m far from conventionally attractive, but I also know that I’m not the repugnant ogre that these instances made me feel like. It’s exhausting to do online dating because even the excessive number of likes just ends up being a source of stress: “is this person actually into me, or am I functionally a fleshlight to them?”
It’s especially frustrating because dudes who are like this are also making it worse for other men on the app who actually want to meet someone. It puts women more on guard, and makes us feel overwhelmed, which makes it less likely that we’ll have the emotional or mental energy spare to message back someone who’ll end up being genuine
True on all counts. Unfortunately, there’s little to be done to change those things. Putting in the effort to be funny and interesting will have better outcomes than focusing on how it’s not fair you have to do more work. This might be one of the few scenarios where men are mildly disadvantaged
Yea, I understand hey it’s not a way to start, yet women are waiting for something smart and interesting in the first couple messages, otherwise they will ghost and go for someone else. With a friend you can say “hey”, but with a woman on a dating site you should go “Was your father thief ? cause you stole my heart!” and then go showcase your reach hobbies.
I might be wrong, but do tell me.A message comes after matches.
That depends on the app. On hinge, you can (and should) send a message with your like.
On tinder and close relatives, you can only work on your profile.
Bumble matches you, but only women can send first! So even if you match, you can’t chat lol.
Hasn’t this changed ages ago? IIRC they lost the one thing that made them unique.
True. I had a very poor experience on bumble, where I didn’t get many interactions. Not being able to message first I think takes away one of my few advantages.
I was lucky to find one woman that is willing to hang out with me for life. No fucking way I’d think I could trick a second one into not realizing I’m a strong 3.5 on a good day from a great distance and while not wearing their glasses.
That’s why you get yourself a girl with bad vision and then hide her glasses. Worked for me
Even if I did, I don’t think I’ve got the physical or mental ability to disappoint two women at once!!
I must be a modern Hercules. I disappoint every woman who’s gotten to know me.
Like that time that I spent two days cleaning and completely rearranging the bedroom while my wife was out of town, and then accidentally slept through all of her phone calls and texts that she landed and was waiting for me at the airport. And then she told my mom and sisters at the next family gathering, as she had every right to do.
Anyway, 4 women across two families and two generations. All in one well-intentioned fuck-up. They weren’t mad, just disappointed…
That’s outstanding! Fantastic effort!
If, for your lack of physical and mental energy, your efforts to disappoint two women at once ended in… disappointment, I wonder if that would mean you’d technically managed to impress and satisfy at least one.
I think I’d just disappoint both, but faster
That sounds like a recipe for success
This is my take, too. I’m objectively decent looking, but there’s no way anyone other than Mrs. Shovel be able to tolerate me.
So many dumdums trying to gaslight their partners into thinking that it’s not cheating, it’s an open relationship.
If you have to convince your partner, it’s not an open relationship, it’s a toxic one.
It’s really no wonder most marriages end up in divorce, when I see the quality of the relationships I wonder how they lasted more than two weeks.
As a polyamorous individual, I whole-heartedly agree! Actual polyamory is often hard and requires a lot of attention and dedication.
I was open with every, single person involved about the fact I am this way, and have done my best at every step and with each new addition that none of them felt like a “side-piece.”
Real polyamory is made of much of the same stuff as real monogamy: hardcore honesty, vulnerability (especially when it’s hard), open, crystal clear communication, and most importantly, consent! Safe, sane, informed consent. If you haven’t put every, single goddamn card on the table, you’re not polyamorous, you’re a playboy.
It is always funny to read about open marriage regret, especially when the husband pushed for it.
Those guys are total morons. The dating economics are way different for women then men. My wife and I are probably both in the same league, yet if we opened our relationship I bet shed have a new guy every single weekend if she wanted. I’d probably average a handful per year. That is just a recipe for disaster.
Correction: Every hour if she wanted
why not more than 1 at once.
we were having lunch beside a pond the other day, a bunch of fairy wrens came close by, a single male with about 3 or 4 female wrens in toe. My gf asked if I had ever thought about having a harem, i was “no no no, waaaay toooo much work”, she laughed and laughed
If you’re going to do this as a man, you need to be in amazing physical shape. Otherwise it’s going to be difficult for you. Hit the gym and get stacked.
Yep, otherwise get used to sitting at home playing video games on a Saturday night while your wife is our getting plowed.
I wanna play video games while My spouse gets plowed! My fiance has a much higher sex drive than Me. I like sex sometimes, but most of the time I’d rather play Hades 2.
Hello! I’d like to sign up to either play videogames with you, or plow your wife, please. But not both at the same time.
Thank you! That’s very considerate. Sounds like it’s mating and/or gaming season.
@Mechoselachia@multiverse.soulism.net Hey someone wants to fuck you I think
relationship goals
The secret is love and respect. I want strangers to fuck My fiance’s brains out because I love it and want it to be pleasured. I just have more important things to do most of the time. Like 100%ing Opus Magnum.
I have a lot of respect for those who can live such a lifestyle and have everyone involved happy. I feel I could never be comfortable in the scenario although I think I would like to be okay with such scenarios.
Interesting. I don’t find that’s the case at all. I’m certainly not “stacked”, yet I’ve managed to find two partners that I absolutely adore. They each have other partners as well.
I’m pretty sure being open, honest, and vulnerable with a high EQ is far more important than having great abs. Don’t get me wrong, I’m going to the gym when I can, but real open relationships are about more than sex appeal and jealousy.
what’s your personal wealth at?
Yeah, that scans with my own experience. I’ve known plenty of poly dudes who aren’t necessarily “conventionally attractive” (ugh, I hate that phrase) who have multiple partners and/or lots of casual sex. All of them are pretty charismatic and sensitive, and that’s a big deal even if we’re just looking at sexual relationships.
Recently I’ve been trying out online dating, and something that has been super striking to me is the number of guys who end up being terrible in bed because they go into things with a sort of guidebook, treating “good at sex” as being some kind of objective trait, and measuring their self worth by whether or not I orgasm. That’s one “archetype” I’ve stumbled across a bunch, but the other is much more like the kind of guy who successfully does polyamory, regardless of their physical appearance. Their “strategy” involves actually listening and being open to learning what makes me in particular tick. You used the word “vulnerable” in your comment, and that’s exactly it — in my view, that’s an essential quality, even in more casual relationships. You’ve got to be comfortable in your own skin.
And for some people, going to the gym does help with that. I know that I felt a lot more confident when I was more of a beefcake. But it’s certainly not the only way to do it
You don’t need to be in amazing shape (though it probably doesn’t hurt) but you need to be way more interesting and emotionally mature than the average guy.
If you’re the kind of person who gets upset like in this meme that your newly non-monogamous wife got more dates than you did, you are not mature enough to be getting dates with other non-monogamous people.
