I must be a modern Hercules. I disappoint every woman who’s gotten to know me.

Like that time that I spent two days cleaning and completely rearranging the bedroom while my wife was out of town, and then accidentally slept through all of her phone calls and texts that she landed and was waiting for me at the airport. And then she told my mom and sisters at the next family gathering, as she had every right to do.

Anyway, 4 women across two families and two generations. All in one well-intentioned fuck-up. They weren’t mad, just disappointed…

A handjob is still a job, officer!

I don’t know.

Feeling better about your life because you’re not that guy

I was a Rainbow Vacuum salesman until my sleazy manager said he would accompany me to ensure that I closed my first sale, to my grandmother. My internal filter suddenly flicked off and I found myself spewing, “You are the most disgusting human being I’ve ever met, and every part of you that isn’t scum makes you seem dangerously aggressive. I can’t let you meet my grandmother, she’d never be able to look me in the eye again. In fact, I don’t even know why I’m here. My grandmother would be so disappointed in me if she knew I were associated with you. Good luck scamming someone else, I quit.” And then I walked out.

Dude didn’t even seem phased by all this. He looked like people told him this shit every day.