Cheddar came as advertised, hard, sharp, aged. The type of man you learn to recognise and respect in this game - the delicious die young if they aren’t quick witted. Mozarella looked pleased with himself, making the introductions.
Mr Cheddar, this is Detective Parmesan, the guy I told you about. His kid they got over there.
Emphasis on detective with a little private smirk shot my way. He was poking the bear with immature curiousity. It was getting on my nerves.
Cheddar cleared his throat as if he were about to introduce himself, but didn’t say a word. The silence hung heavy for an unbearable beat and I could see the smugness melt from Mozarellas eyes.
Yeah so anyway Parmesan, this is Cheddar. He’s over here from-
Do you know what this young lady said to me at the airport lounge on my lay-over?
Ah here we fucken go. No Cheddar, what the fuck did she say?
She was very interesting. Worldly. A newspaper reporter, covering international crime.
Newspaper huh? I didn’t know they still ma-
The Tofu gang. She was telling me all about the Tofu gang. Japanese syndicate. Utterly obsessed with the topic. Evidently despite their deep roots and ancient customs they’re quite progressive and have been funnelling money to animal liberation cells across the world.
What the fuck is a Tofu? Parm, you heard’a this?
Nah Moz. No idea.
She said it was like an Asian “Cheese thing”
HA!
Unbelievable…
Who ever heard of a fucken Eye-talian Tofu huh? Haha. Fucken Asian Cheese.
A- Actually Mr Mozarella there are some real deal Cheeses in Asia, goes way ba-
Shut the fuck up! I don’t need to hear this bullshit. What are you even doing here Jack?
Mr Mozarella you asked me to-
Shut the fuck up I don’t care. Fucken finish the story Cheddar what’s this Asian Cheese thing got to do with anything?
Not Cheese, Soy. You see, this young lady, she’d dug very deep and pulled at the mold threads of this thing until she uncovered a whole conspiracy. Do you think the Tofu Gang give a toss about animal welfare? No! It’s about power, Mozarella, power. Domination. A bean future. Imagine. All the land once grazed by happy fat dairy animals, all the forests still to be destroyed for more, all wiped away and replaced with fields and fields of identical mindless soy plants. Horrible to think about. Its us they’re at war with, when you really think about it and we don’t even notice while they make gains every day.
This reporter though. She’s gonna get this story out?
Oh no Mr Mozarella. After our very illuminating conversation I left her asphyxiated in a toilet stall with a throat full of beans. The police will write it off as an autoerotic incident gone wrong. Poetic really.
Wait- … you killed this broad? Why? Why the fuck are you telling us this?
Mr Mozarella instinctively recoiling almost imperceptibly, trying and failing to maintain his gelatinous composure. Bought the big bitey fucker’s little mindgame hook and sinker. Sigh.
I’m telling you this to make a point. I killed her because I was paid to. I’m here, because you are going to pay me. I just want you to understand that should you not pay me, not only will I kill you, but I have associates who will pay handsomely for your head.
Then he nodded to me.
And your head. And your sons head. And the Swiss. You’re all free money.
Moz was silent.
Big fucken deal Mr Chedder. We were all born to be sliced, grated, grilled, melted, smeared. You of all people know that best. Mercenary.
I spat at his feet.
You don’t need to threaten us. Money is no object where we’re going. Those Swiss are sitting on every last bit of Nazi gold that hasn’t already been auctioned off to jetski dealers or melted down for the US treasury.
Right!
Mr Mozarella had regained his composure and had stopped quivvering.
Enough of this dick measuring, gentlemen. Lets get down to the plan. My guys tell me these Swiss fuckers got patched up down in Argentina and have been based there ever since…